fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
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Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
She was REALLY feeling it.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.