God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.