I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin