My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.