If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
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never deleting this app.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
No, I don’t think I will.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy