He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Not today, today.
Not today.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
how long have you had this for?
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now