my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Had a spot of bother earlier.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.