If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
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Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]