Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
#ParentingFacts
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.