Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
sry
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”