Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
knights of the ikea table
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
A leaf blower, but for people.