This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
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Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I’d … I’d rather not.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.