They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
You Might Also Like
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”