Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
This is a true ally.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.