This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
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It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.