be careful
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Looking at you, Jesus.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.