do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”