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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot