I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.