IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.