Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.