Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I drew y’all a little something.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Not my job 😂
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe