Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
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[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
For the orator and chef in all of us
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.