But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
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When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?