Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Growing out my freckles.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.