When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
describing stardew valley
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
And now we wait
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.