Should I call tech support or pray or what
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?