You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what