[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
adam and eve had first world problems
was Jim off killing horses or…
men are simple creatures
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.