MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Stop it! 😂
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.