Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.