I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Sooo many times…..
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My daily affirmation
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear