I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
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“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
j o i m p
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.