me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
The devil.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.