I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
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normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Growing up was a huge mistake
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
When can I start eating bats again.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My birthstone is kidney
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*