“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
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gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Canada has crack?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.