So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
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Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to