Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
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Happy thanksgiving!
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.