People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
You Might Also Like
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
i did the math
*Inspirational Tweets*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.