If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
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*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
british sex workers really pound for pound
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
they split up moments later
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?