I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
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Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
i think both sides are to blame here
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.