Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!