Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it