Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
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Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!