Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Seems a bit forward
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you