Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
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People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.