🤣could you imagine
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Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Mistakes were made
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket