Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
The sacred texts.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits