I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
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Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.