Ice skating is like walking in cursive
You Might Also Like
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life